Min historia

Skribent: Anna Karlsson
 Tema: Fritt!
 Redaktör: Johanna Hildingsson

Hey guys.

This is my story.

The reason for me to start cutting was most because of a boy, but I'll tell you all the reasons.

When I was three years old my little brother died, when he was one month and 28 days old. I was devastated, I didn't understand death but I understood that I was never going to see him anymore.

My mother and father started to fight, and when I was six my father left us for the first time, he came back but left again a few months later. Mom decided to not take him back, and they divorced. After then I didn't trust my daddy.

And when I was 11 the kids in my class started to bully me, when I was 14 the whole class (and the whole village) bullied me. I didn't leave the house, so I had to change school. But it didn't help so much, because I was already depressed.

And right in that mess one of my best friends disappeared (he didn't die, he just went underground).

My family became broken, we started fighting, and in that mess my little sister got her autism diagnosis. And she started hitting my youngest sister. (I should say that I'm afraid of fights, I'm getting more depressed then). Me and my youngest sister started going in some kind of therapy for learning about how my middle sister works, it was awful. I was getting more and more depressed, but I hid it well, my family didn't know anything.

I was 14 when I tried to kill myself the first time, I tried to jump out of a window from building with three floors, but my fright of heights stopped me from actually jumping.

When I was 17 my best friend reappeared, and I was so broken just then that he manipulated me to think that I loved him more than as a friend. So we started dating, secretly, because I was still bullied and my mother didn't like him.

After three months he broke up and everything broke for me, I started cutting and thought that everything was his fault. But when he gave me permission to see another guy I started thinking about my childhood and found more reasons to cut, I was cutting everyday, deeper and deeper. I met this other guy and he supported me. My school nurse called my mother and told her I was cutting. I got a hell from her and from my father. My mom watched me like a hawk and the only time I could cut was in the shower or late at night when my youngest sister were asleep.

I started dating the boy who supported me and I held up cutting for periods of one or two weeks and sometimes 1 month. I thought I could deal with it and I thought I was strong, but as soon as the fightings started at home I'd cut...

I wanted to be free for three months but didn't make it a single time, so I lost hope. And started cutting everyday again.

The bullying continued in my home village and I'd cut even more. I hid the scars for my mom and dad. I tried to search for help, but nobody cared, nobody listened. I talked to the nurse often and she tried to help, but nothing worked.

After one year of cutting I tried to drown myself, I met a psychiatrist and she sent me to a doctor. I was being locked up, for three days. Then I got a contact with a professional and things started to get better. I stopped cutting so often, but I continued.

Now I have a diagnosis, waiting for the right treatment and just had 20 moths with my boyfriend, and I'm on the way of stop cutting :)

I feel a lot better, and I'm getting help.

Thanx for reading and thanx for all the support that this group have given to me.

Love Anniz