Skribent: Anna Karlsson
Tema: Fritt!
Redaktör: Johanna Hildingsson
Hey guys.
This is my story.
The reason for me to start
cutting was most because of a boy, but I'll tell you all the reasons.
When I was three years old
my little brother died, when he was one month and 28 days old. I was
devastated, I didn't understand death but I understood that I was
never going to see him anymore.
My mother and father
started to fight, and when I was six my father left us for the first
time, he came back but left again a few months later. Mom decided to
not take him back, and they divorced. After then I didn't trust my
daddy.
And when I was 11 the kids
in my class started to bully me, when I was 14 the whole class (and
the whole village) bullied me. I didn't leave the house, so I had to
change school. But it didn't help so much, because I was already
depressed.
And right in that mess one
of my best friends disappeared (he didn't die, he just went
underground).
My family became broken,
we started fighting, and in that mess my little sister got her autism
diagnosis. And she started hitting my youngest sister. (I should say
that I'm afraid of fights, I'm getting more depressed then). Me and
my youngest sister started going in some kind of therapy for learning
about how my middle sister works, it was awful. I was getting more
and more depressed, but I hid it well, my family didn't know
anything.
I was 14 when I tried to
kill myself the first time, I tried to jump out of a window from
building with three floors, but my fright of heights stopped me from
actually jumping.
When I was 17 my best
friend reappeared, and I was so broken just then that he manipulated
me to think that I loved him more than as a friend. So we started
dating, secretly, because I was still bullied and my mother didn't
like him.
After three months he
broke up and everything broke for me, I started cutting and thought
that everything was his fault. But when he gave me permission to see
another guy I started thinking about my childhood and found more
reasons to cut, I was cutting everyday, deeper and deeper. I met this
other guy and he supported me. My school nurse called my mother and
told her I was cutting. I got a hell from her and from my father. My
mom watched me like a hawk and the only time I could cut was in the
shower or late at night when my youngest sister were asleep.
I started dating the boy
who supported me and I held up cutting for periods of one or two
weeks and sometimes 1 month. I thought I could deal with it and I
thought I was strong, but as soon as the fightings started at home
I'd cut...
I wanted to be free for
three months but didn't make it a single time, so I lost hope. And
started cutting everyday again.
The bullying continued in
my home village and I'd cut even more. I hid the scars for my mom and
dad. I tried to search for help, but nobody cared, nobody listened. I
talked to the nurse often and she tried to help, but nothing worked.
After one year of cutting
I tried to drown myself, I met a psychiatrist and she sent me to a
doctor. I was being locked up, for three days. Then I got a contact
with a professional and things started to get better. I stopped
cutting so often, but I continued.
Now I have a diagnosis,
waiting for the right treatment and just had 20 moths with my
boyfriend, and I'm on the way of stop cutting :)
I feel a lot better, and
I'm getting help.
Thanx for reading and
thanx for all the support that this group have given to me.
Love Anniz
